I wouldn’t actually say these things as I’m not THAT MUCH of an asshole and because I only just think them. I’m merely a middle-aged, unemployed professional with a hell of a lot of repressed anger that wants to avoid confrontation.
The cleaning fairy doesn’t live here. Who cleans those window sills, dusts the furniture, mops the floor, does the laundry? Guess! Fact – I wasn’t put on this earth to be your fucking housemaid. How about cleaning-up after yourself once and awhile, actually be proactive and do some chores, coordinate some work that needs to be done in the house, or actually learn to cook one real meal that doesn’t involve 3 minutes in the microwave? Plus, it’s not all about what YOU like to do with your time (your work, your cars etc). What about MY dreams and my time? It shouldn’t always be about cleaning this dump. It’s also been 16 months since we’ve had sex and that’s not my fault. News flash: I’ve got one foot out the door. BTW walking around in public with dirty trousers and holes in your shoes is not attractive. You look homeless, and take heed – your socks should be burned after wearing. For your own good – clean up your act.
Dear Facebook friends I barely know:
Unless it’s cute, edible, environmental. cool holiday pics, or charitable – I don’t give a shit. For your own dignity, please stop:
1. Over sharing the boring and mundane. 2. Posting selfies you know are unflattering including photos of minor injuries that will not or have not maimed or almost killed you.
3. Expressing menial gripes describing things you can’t spell…
Dear foreign person I don’t know that keeps sending me texts on messenger:
Try and communicate further than only asking me how I am then replying for yourself ‘ fine thanks’. I’m sure you’re a nice person but if you don’t have anything more interesting to say after soliciting my attention then please leave me the fuck alone.
Dear cake-eating lesbian social media obsessed couple:
I know for a fact I am not the only one rolling their eyes over your constant social media posts of how nauseatingly cute, happy and fucking Instagram-perfect your life is. We really don’t need to see every corner of your blissful existence illustrated in technicolor, nor do we need to see your sweaty workout pics, fab abs, observe and praise you for every task you complete with utter zeal, or celebrate every gram of fat you lose on your super-successful diet/fitness regime. I can’t read those fitness stats/charts to save my life, nor do I give one milligram of shit. Fuck off already.
Dear childhood sweetheart/holy grail:
You’re killing me. I don’t like hearing how your soon-to-be-ex treats you. Knowing this I feel sad, angry and want to steal a large bus and run her over which isn’t my business or responsibility because YOU need to grow a spine and not give her narcissism an audience. But notably I am fed up with your ‘hot and cold’ and that every time you feel down – you need to contact me. Then like clockwork you subsequently disappear when things get tolerable again. Like the time your (actually your brother’s) dog died – when I never even knew you had a dog, and especially this last time – with your horrid bitch-face ex/crumbling marriage being a prime example. If I really was ‘your best friend’ (your words) how about asking how I am once in awhile, what might be on my mind, and NOT disappearing for months (years)? Btw, I didn’t forget that not long ago you offered to take me on a holiday AND PAY. I’ll be bringing that up at some point in the future just to see if you’ll try and get out of it, and how big of an asshole you are (or might be). In the meantime I’m not bothering to waste one more minute of my time on you, or your domestic bullshit. You’re no saint. Capisce?
Dear friends that promised me work:
Thanks for getting my hopes up. I actually bought a car because one of you (friend #1) said I needed one for working with you. Remember – that work that never materialised? Thanks for that as it’s been costing me ever since. Thanks (friend #2) for also giving that freelance work you promised me – to your friends that don’t really need it (as they are not even remotely as desperate as me). Recently I’ve dumbed-down my CV so I could at least get a crummy retail job to pay the bills, and now I have an interview for a job that will make me miserable and I’ll have to wear an ugly beige apron or some such shit. So thanks again, and a big ‘fuck you.’
Dear social media contacts that habitually post desperate, cryptic passive-agressive messages on Facebook:
It’s actually makes you look needy and like you’re trying to solicit some sort of concern or condolences. Good luck getting it. Keep it up and people will eventually catch on and avoid you altogether. Private message REAL friends that are concerned, because the masses have a 9-second attention span before the caring expires.
Dear sincere people that value my friendship:
If you tell me what you’re going through, I’ll listen and try my best to give you whatever support I can, even if it’s only words of comfort. I actually (generally) care about people, and I have probably been there on some level (but a few of you are unintentionally sucking the life out of me with your domestic-tragedies). How about reciprocating once in awhile? Because honestly, despite appearances, I’m really not as solid as I might seem.