Subtitles Part 1

Why is is so hard to find a happy medium?

99% of the time when I want a man to call me  – he rarely does… and I end up coveting my phone like the Hope Diamond while driving myself insane wondering why, not to mention  as of lately  making mental lists of subjects I can actually can discuss easily in Italian so I don’t sound have to sound like a boring half-wit on the phone (just in case). This is especially necessary when I know I am going to have to speak Italian, as not every man in the zone speaks English (I could never get that lucky). Let it be known, despite it is a wonderful, poetic language  – I dislike like speaking it. Damn those m/f nouns that need to be accompanied by m/f adjectives and phrases that don’t translate to English and therefore make no sense at all! Italians are notorious for making everything more complicated than it needs to be.

In my own language I can hold my own and keep up with the best of them, but in Italian I surely sound like a 7 year-old with ADD.

I wish we could have floating subtitles in every language, and something resembling the scene in Annie Hall. In fact this could be useful for everyone, although I am sure the number of assaults and divorce proceedings would rise dramatically per capita, then again perhaps people would cut the bullshit, really communicate and and simply hook-up more often.

Then again, who knows? Inadvertantly sounding like a dip-shit may work in my favour, as recently I read an article on a study by The University of Austin Texas that basically concluded: Men like ’em stupid. There you have it  – My  ‘milquetoast-dipshit theory.’

So who’s on the current roster?

Mr. Edge-Wise. Why that nick? Cause I can’t get a damn word in edge-wise, however in other respects he is almost too accommodating…

“Ring me when you are free and I’ll ring you back so you don’t have to pay for the call.”

I am not complaining… (maybe I am a little) but when guys start pummeling me with compliments,  I start to wonder…

“You have a beautiful voice.”

“Call me when you are free my wonderful creature.”

“You really live alone? Call me if you need anything, anything at all ok? And ring me tomorrow and I can ring you back.”

Is he nice, or just weird? Is this a death by smothering waiting to happen?

Sunday I was a little disappointed I didn’t hear from ‘The Legoinaire,’ – he had said he would call me.  I wasn’t overly obsessing over it (this time), but wondered why. As I was waking up this morning I thought of a little something  I could text him as an icebreaker and as reminder of my existence….

“Good day officer… I hope you are not wearing Canadian bearskin in this tremendous heat…”

He wears a full bearskin (head in tact) on his head that just happens to come from my homeland, that is part of his Roman soldier’s gear. I had seen him wearing it in a photo and to be honest it freaked me out, not to mention I felt really sorry for the bear.

It worked.

He called me back after work and had me laughing so hard my face hurt.   His voice sounds very much like Cristian (my former holy grail of manhood). That could be one miniscule reason why his banter is so addictive, but regardless he is funny and funny is good, as these days I need to laugh more… a lot more.


About Cakes McCain

Aka. 'Oliver Twist with Furniture and Diamonds' Ex-pat, lunatic, survivor - A Bridget Jones/Shirley Valentine hybrid, epically flawed, neurotic literary ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, & lazy Sunday mornings eating cake in bed. Almost always broken-hearted, forever analysing everything to a bloody pulp and eternally obessing over 'Pasta for One - The Manuscript' a chick-lit memoir about living single in fabulous Italy, while trying not to throw yourself in front of a speeding bus.
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11 Responses to Subtitles Part 1

  1. sillyG says:

    I love anyone that makes me laugh that hard! And down with milquetoast and the men that like that 🙂
    Wait, you should be well versed in the m/f confusion from french, non?

  2. iterlibertas says:

    Funny post 🙂
    what are you actually doing in my old country? The best have left 🙂

    • Cakes McCain says:

      I often ask myself the same question. for now the answer is FREEDOM. (although this concept is becoming more expensive)

      • iterlibertas says:

        the life style is great, ,maybe that combined with freedom has an appeal. In which region in Italy are you?

      • Cakes McCain says:

        The south. Campania… a bit back from the Amalfi Coast (not far from Vietri sul Mare)… where the sun shines, the sea awaits, and where the food is absolutely sublime. (However in this economical crisis – freedom has a rather large price-tag)

      • iterlibertas says:

        Campania, love that region. I tend to go to Pompey at least once a year 🙂 and make a stop at the Amalfi coast. There are no jobs even for Italians there….. what do you do?
        BTW the lifestyle there is great, I love beach, agriturisms and the general noise they make. Do you have a scooter? Otherwise you cannot count yourself as integrated 🙂

      • Cakes McCain says:

        most expensive place to insure anything due to the masses of shitty drivers here. Integrated is an interesting word… I think it can be open to interpretation, so I am not sure. I could never assimulate – that is for certain. And I do what almost every other English speaking foreign person does here for work – I teach English. 😉

      • iterlibertas says:

        Italy 🙂 you either love or hate or do like me and play tourist as much as you can.
        Have you heard that they might vote Berlusconi back again?
        The country amazes me all the time 🙂
        How long have you been there?

      • Cakes McCain says:

        8 years.
        If they do that – I am out for good.
        I read recently the only reason the people didn’t think it was an epic conflict of interest that Mr B. was the leader along with owning the media – was because it wasn’t said so on television. figures.

  3. LJ says:

    I read that article from UT-Austin. Read it out loud to my husband. It figures that a dude’s gonna want a dumb girl for one-nighter. No demands. No expectations. Sleepy though? That surprised me. Huh. I mean, if you’re lookin’ to score some action for the night, I would think you would want a willing and able body, not just a blow-up doll. Wouldn’t a sock and some vaseline do the job? Oh, and I TOTALLY get you on speaking Italian. I felt exactly the same way when I was living in France. I had a very specific vocabulary–largely academic. So, if someone wanted to discuss parsing verbs or the structure of poetry, I was able. But, it got a lot harder once we entered other realms. It was very difficult, and it gave me headaches. I would have to look up words, idioms, and phrases that accompanied current affairs before going out, or I would have to sit silently. So, yes, I know what a challenge it can be. You’re doing well. Do you find it easier when you’re drinking? Studies have shown that alcohol “loosens” up the brain and language flows easier. I could speak with much more ease after imbibing.

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