On-going contemplation with a dash of hope

I have made no secret that I have been entertaining the idea of returning to my own country, mainly for “security.” But I have realized what I have here in Italy by comparison, and have been asking myself: “What exactly is going to make me feel secure?”

Despite my current state of poverty, the fact my landlord is a grade-A dick, and I despise most of the Italian-male demographic – Here in this sleepy little village I live with my back doors open, I no longer feel the need to carry pepper spray, or a blade, nor do I walk home with my keys between my fingers late at night along a dark city street.  Since my move here perhaps I have become more tolerant, less trivial and more resilient in some ways, but for the most part I have lost my sense of instinctual self-preservation to survive back in my home-land hood. Not that it would do me much good if I was in a presumably safe locale and some asshole pulled out a gun. I now feel-like I have been North America de-cultured.

‘The Hemster’ in Italy
(I often get this ‘look’ after indulging in various artificial stimulants under the summer sun)

“You’re an expatriate. You’ve lost touch with the soil.
You get precious. Fake European standards have ruined you.
You drink yourself to death. You become obsessed by sex.
You spend all your time talking, not working.
You are an expatriate, see? You hang around cafés.”

– Ernest Hemingway

A few friends have recently quizzed me as to what my impending plans were,
to which I replied…

“I really don’t know. I have to weigh my options, see what happens.
I guess there are only 2 things that could keep me here now:
Love or money. Preferably both…”

So yes, I am still on the fence.
However on a lighter note…

Tani and I speak often of the future and manifesting destiny, and how we can extract ourselves from this rut we seem to be caught up in. Since the mid 90’s I have been reading Rob Brezny’s Freewill Astrology, as I dig his insight and phlisophical edge, and more often than not – he is right on the mark when it comes to what’s circulating in my zone. This week was a prime example…

This sparked a little creativity whereas otherwise I would have spent the day face-down, semi-comatosed drooling on my bedspread in this heat, and pondering my uncertain future. (And really, if it was good enough for Balzac… )

Where else could he be found?

And then…

I can be very generous…

but seriously…

Have a great week.
xo

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About Cakes McCain

Aka. 'Oliver Twist with Furniture and Diamonds' Ex-pat, lunatic, survivor - A Bridget Jones/Shirley Valentine hybrid, epically flawed, neurotic literary ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, & lazy Sunday mornings eating cake in bed. Almost always broken-hearted, forever analysing everything to a bloody pulp and eternally obessing over 'Pasta for One - The Manuscript' a chick-lit memoir about living single in fabulous Italy, while trying not to throw yourself in front of a speeding bus.
This entry was posted in affirmations, boredom, casual sex, dating, depression, European men, humour, Italian life, Italian men, Italy, Italy living, Life in Italy, Living in Italy, love, relationships, self examination, sex, single girl, social misfit, trust, Uncategorized, writers, x-pat, x-pats and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to On-going contemplation with a dash of hope

  1. SillyG says:

    Very cool fellow Sag. I need to check out that site!

  2. I hope you find both too! I wish you so much luck, where ever you end up 🙂

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