I have made no secret that I have been entertaining the idea of returning to my own country, mainly for “security.” But I have realized what I have here in Italy by comparison, and have been asking myself: “What exactly is going to make me feel secure?”
Despite my current state of poverty, the fact my landlord is a grade-A dick, and I despise most of the Italian-male demographic – Here in this sleepy little village I live with my back doors open, I no longer feel the need to carry pepper spray, or a blade, nor do I walk home with my keys between my fingers late at night along a dark city street. Since my move here perhaps I have become more tolerant, less trivial and more resilient in some ways, but for the most part I have lost my sense of instinctual self-preservation to survive back in my home-land hood. Not that it would do me much good if I was in a presumably safe locale and some asshole pulled out a gun. I now feel-like I have been North America de-cultured.
“You’re an expatriate. You’ve lost touch with the soil.
You get precious. Fake European standards have ruined you.
You drink yourself to death. You become obsessed by sex.
You spend all your time talking, not working.
You are an expatriate, see? You hang around cafés.”
– Ernest Hemingway
A few friends have recently quizzed me as to what my impending plans were,
to which I replied…
“I really don’t know. I have to weigh my options, see what happens.
I guess there are only 2 things that could keep me here now:
Love or money. Preferably both…”
So yes, I am still on the fence.
However on a lighter note…
Tani and I speak often of the future and manifesting destiny, and how we can extract ourselves from this rut we seem to be caught up in. Since the mid 90’s I have been reading Rob Brezny’s Freewill Astrology, as I dig his insight and phlisophical edge, and more often than not – he is right on the mark when it comes to what’s circulating in my zone. This week was a prime example…
This sparked a little creativity whereas otherwise I would have spent the day face-down, semi-comatosed drooling on my bedspread in this heat, and pondering my uncertain future. (And really, if it was good enough for Balzac… )
Have a great week.