I’ve been ‘SEXT:’ An online porn moment with yours truly

I figured the best way to climb out of this mental abyss I seem to have fallen into lately would to be  get back in the game, and with a vengeance.  I had previously  set up a profile on an Italian dating site but wasn’t so big on the demographic of players online, BUT due to recent events I have had a revelation…

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

It doesn’t mean I am going to hook up with the likes of a sexual-tapeworm Roberto-clone, although you can’t  swing a cat here in the zone without hitting one. Regardless I may as well be having lots of easy, no-strings orgasms until my holy-grail surfaces (whomever he may be), and NOT bed anyone I actually like, and consider relationship-material. (Because we know how THAT will turn out).

How ‘STEROTYPICAL ITALIAN-MALE  DOUCHBAG’ of me.
(Thank you for the enlightenment Atlas)
I should be the female Fabrizio Corona…

Fab Corona: The Quintessential Italian player
(He’s a total douche, but I’d still do him with bells on.)

I was only logged in for a short time before I got several chat requests. I engaged about 5 to start and was given cel numbers for most of them.

 But the prize for ‘Most Engaging Content in a Text Conversation’  goes to: Alex from Milan  – aka. “The Penetrating Tongue.”

 I began innocently enough, names, areas we live in, jobs – he is a military helicopter pilot. Our exchange was mostly in Italian, and he did most of the talking:

 CM:  So why no pic?

PT:  I am not allowed to post my photos online, because of my job in the military.

CM:  OK top secret huh?

PT:  More or less.  To give you an idea: I’m medium height, weight, broad shoulders (because of the training), short salt/pepper hair , green eyes.

Did someone say shoulders?

PT:  I come to your area often. My ex wife is there and I visit my 3 year old daughter. When I am there I’d like to take you out. What is your favourite dish?

CM: Parmigiana di melanzane, or cuttlefish, calamari, or octopus.

PT:  I will take you to the most beautiful place where they have the have the best seafood.

CM:  OK but before I meet someone I need to see a photo.

PT:  And if you like it? You take it to bed?

CM:  Huh? No. What is that supposed to mean?

PT:  Don’t you like to be kissed?

I thought we were talking about food?

This was way out of left field. I thought maybe he’d got me confused with someone else he was texting at the same time?…

Whatever. I am the one juggling 5 men on chat.

CM:  Yes, but why did you say that about taking it to bed?

PT:  Just an expression. Now I want to go under your desk, and start kissing your legs

CM:  Excuse me?

PT:  I want to trace my tongue along your thigh, move aside your panties and touch your pussy with the tip of my tongue to see how it feels  and taste it. It’s so hot,  so wet. Then I take them in my teeth and slide them off over your hips and down your legs, then I return to you again so I can move my tongue freely between your lips and rub your clit… I feel you dripping wet as I lick your clit and I penetrate you with my finger…

Can we have dinner first?

He had a way with words indeed. If  I didn’t know better I’d say he had started taking pointers  from fellow blogger and sexual renaissance man: Theo Black.

CM:  Really?  You chat like this often with girls you meet online?

PT:  No. Only with you because you are the one that I would like to do it with. You don’t like it?

CM:  I don’t buy it, but ok… Carry on.

PT:  Do you know what my fantasy with you is?

CM:  No, but do tell…

Did I have anything more entertaining scheduled for a Wednesday evening?

 He continued as I read with enthusiasm, and intermittently made 3 dates for the upcoming days with the others…

I am SO Back!

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About Cakes McCain

Aka. 'Oliver Twist with Furniture and Diamonds' Ex-pat, lunatic, survivor - A Bridget Jones/Shirley Valentine hybrid, epically flawed, neurotic literary ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, & lazy Sunday mornings eating cake in bed. Almost always broken-hearted, forever analysing everything to a bloody pulp and eternally obessing over 'Pasta for One - The Manuscript' a chick-lit memoir about living single in fabulous Italy, while trying not to throw yourself in front of a speeding bus.
This entry was posted in boredom, casual sex, dating, dating rejects, Eating, European men, ex boyfriends, exes, food, Friends with benefits, friendship, hook-ups, humour, internet dating, Italian life, Italian men, Italy, Italy living, Lies, Life in Italy, Living in Italy, love, MacDaddy, one night stand, online dating, perverts, players, relationships, self examination, sex, sexting, single girl, social misfit, Uncategorized, web dating, x-pat, x-pats and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to I’ve been ‘SEXT:’ An online porn moment with yours truly

  1. LJ says:

    I almost don’t feel old enough to read that meaning I choked on my morning coffee! OMG…I’m still 15 years-old on the inside. Why am I surprised that men actually talk like that? In real life? Like NOT in erotica or on a blog….but in a chat? Well, you have fun, but take good care of yourself. That’s the most important thing. Practice self-care ‘cuz who knows where that cunning lingua of his has been…

    • Cakes McCain says:

      Yes indeed, and if they’re not putting it into words, I am sure they have stored all like-visuals in that grey matter.
      And yes – self care and preservation… no worries!

      (cunning lingua – that was f’n brilliant!)

    • Cakes McCain says:

      Yes indeed, and if they’re not putting it into words, I am sure they have stored all like-visuals in that grey matter. And yes – self care and preservation… no worries!

      (byw cunning lingua – that was f’n brilliant!)

  2. abbynflicker says:

    Jeez he really dove in there! Well I’m looking forward to hearing how those dates go… being back in Italy for 10 days recently reminded me what an awful place it is to be single. Or married for that matter… but good luck! Hats off to cunning lingua btw…

  3. V.V. Wolf says:

    LOL….entertaining for sure, but still makes me roll my eyes that they actually think women buy this shit! Plus I’m convinced they sit around and write a mini books of “100 Way To A Foreigners Vagina!” ….I would totally approach those lips with caution too…..ewwww…..LOL

  4. Phoenix says:

    Happens the other way too. Imagine going on an intense workout program to bulk up. You dedicate months into it. Then you notice plenty of female eyes glancing your way.
    Then you post up a topless pic on a dating site, and bam! 10 messages in a few hours.

  5. trjensen says:

    I have to tell you before I you see why I came that I absolutely love this post! You rock bella! Seriously, I can’t wipe the smile off my face. I love you chick!
    I am giving you award. Congrats! http://narcissistsblog.com/2012/08/20/well-it-took-you-long-enough/

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