It’s so f’cking hot here…
I’d love to make Fellini proud with my 21st century rendition of frolicking in a fountain. Specifically the one in Cava’s local piazza while blasting this song…
Otherwise last week I had 3 dates. Two of which were a complete bust.
Bachelor #1 aka. ‘The Weasel’ rendered far older in person than in his photos and the 41 years he claimed, He was short, wiry and also missing one of his teeth (his right canine to be exact). He had a voice like Joe Pesci talked mostly out of his ass, non-stop. I didn’t relay any of these observations to him so as to avoid being violently stabbed in the jugular with a ball point pen. (One never knows with a Napolitano). After our date I revised my profile: “Email me if: You have a clear, recent photo and all of your teeth.”
Bachelor #2 ‘The Headshot‘ arrived 40 lbs heavier and looking vastly diverse from the ‘skinny face’ head shot he posted online. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being chubby. I have dated a couple über sexy dudes oozing charisma and without a six pack, and I myself don’t exactly have the skinniest thighs/ass on the block… but if a guy looks like he can’t hike up my mountain with me without having a cardiac arrest, or is going to steam-roller crush me while we are gettin’ busy… sorry – NEXT!
(Plus this guy, reeking of desperation and with a passive aggressive sense of humor, and joking of a massage exchange between us – had I consented he would have been off like a cheap suit.)
Then Thursday Bachelor #3 : ‘Mr. Frozen Vegetable’ 9 years younger than me (yeah high-five!), who was employed by a large supplier of frozen food and lived about a 80 minute drive from my village. I was surprised to find him better looking in person than his photo. In spite of his too-casual, yet clean attire he was driving a fairly decent Alpha Romeo, therefore I could forgive him for showing up in a t-shirt and long shorts and dressed as though he was attending a frat-house kegger, as opposed to a first date. As his attire was not exactly suitable for the restaurant I intended I scoured the grey matter for another suitable option – clean, but a little on the rustic side. We engaged in usual getting-to-know-you/dinner conversation: me -him, his country-my country etc. then later we proceeded to play tonsil-hockey while doing the ‘passeggiata’ down Cava’s promenade. He was a great kisser. My thighs went up in flames…
But after I got him home to bed, I actually had to ask:
“Are you going to take your socks off?”
I could see where this was going. Another epic sexual disappointment. His ‘moves’ were clumsy, and like the last few Ital homeboys before him… he was ready with excuses as to why he just couldn’t seem to keep it up. Within 15 seconds of doing the deed – it was over.
CM: Oh… Finished?
Mr. FV: Sorry, it been a really, really long time.
CM: Oh ok. How long?
Mr. FV: 2 months.
CM: 2 months? That’s a long time?
Yeah whatever. And if a guy doesn’t like me enough to reciprocate and risk Carpal Tunnel Syndrome to get me off?… NEXT!!!
And look who’s back…
In addition to checking out my profile a few times in the last week CK has most recently crawled out from the depths of the ‘Cakes McCain cemetery of dead-and-buried dates.’ As usual soliciting casual ‘friendly’ invites from me – none to which he accepts. I finally called him on it in a brilliant game of word play.
(Btw: His profile name on the dating site is ‘time-waits-for-nobody’ – this matters)
CM: I’m well, thanks. At this moment I am with Canadian friends and we are going to eat Indian food on my terrace, and I am making a cake. Carrot cake – very North American! 😉
CK: Great! I have to try some Canadian cuisine!
CM: Sure have cake with us.
CK: Don’t tempt me… You know I am curious.. But I can’t tonight
CM: ALTHOUGH…. the invitations may dry up some day.
CK: Nooooooo! Don’t let them dry, keep them wet.
CM: Well, you always say no. So can I continue asking forever and suffer the eternal rejection? hahaha!
CK: Don’t suffer, please! 🙂 We’ll meet… Believe me. I’ve got to taste your carrot cake!
CM: It was AMAZING
CK: You’re such a sadist.
CM: Sadist? I think, not. EVERYONE ENJOYED it… Wait, not everyone. You didn’t! HA!
CK: Waiting for joy.. is joy itself! 🙂
CM: “Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.” ~Voltaire
CK: I will reuse it without permission 🙂
CM: I’d expect nothing less. But remember… Time (and cake) wait for nobody.
After my most recent dates I still have to give him credit. He may be a player, or not… but the others pale in comparison. He’s simply a hard act to follow.