More skewered dating profiles and “THINGS!”

Last night I momentarily tore myself away from my latest pan of ‘Those Damn Healthy Brownies’  to search online for a much more scaled-down version of my Holy Grail of Manhood. During this particular quest, I came across these 2 little gems…

He forgot to mention:
Must like kitties as well.

The first profile I present (which I have a sneaking suspicion was written by Bubbles from TV’s ‘The Trailer Park Boys’) includes all the writer’s gloriously ambiguous details of his perfect mate…

“What I am looking for is a fun loving female with all the same things in common and all the things we share together and much more as well

Someone that is very active and loves and likes the outdoors as well as doing all kinds of things inside the house…

Someone that is fun loving and likes to go places and loves the outdoors and going to see new things and new places as well

Someone that likes activities and staying in shape and maybe going to the beach or a nice time some where enjoying nature and just being ourselves as well…”

Is it just me, or was that just plain weird as well?

This next profile I came across was from ‘The Michigan Man’ an American studying Christian Theology in Rome, and who dares to ponder: How much is too much information? and, “Am I passive-agressive or am I just a wee bit of a narcissist with unreal expectations?”

I aspire to be a theologian. My academic area of specialization is ecumenism and inter-religious dialogue. I would like to teach some day at the collegiate level, or return to pastoral ministry and/or ecclesial administration.

 I’m really good at: Having deep conversations (but I am not good at small talk), helping others find direction in life, administration, being intuitive with finances, (otherwise, I am not very intuitive), over-thinking things.

“Over thinking THINGS“… Gee, you think?

THINGS I could never do without: A shaved monkey, a plywood violin, Semtex, M2 flamethrower, Chicklets, Two turntables and a microphone…

“Two turntables and a microphone:”
You stole that from Beck and that counts as 3.
“Shaved monkey?” Is that code for your penis?

I spend a lot of time thinking about: Stuff and things… A lot about stuff and things… I think about God and my relationship with God.

The most private thing I am willing to admit:
I hate it when people don’t answer this.  -Admit something here-. Don’t avoid it or write something veiled or cute. Be real…
So here are some rather personal things about me:
I am a man and a virgin. We are not talking Bill Clinton’s definition of virginity here either. I have waited for marriage… if that is ever meant to happen. My virginity is a gift for my wife…

Shall I gift wrap that for you?

I am not saying that I have been an angel or that I qualify to a poster boy for uber-perfect Christian chastity– but by the secular world’s standards, I am definitely an apple off the tree rather than one off the ground.

I hope he is taking compassionate, yet precautionary measures…

My neuroses: I have struggled with depression and anxiety at times. I hate misplacing things. I expect a lot from myself… and of others. Like everyone, I am a work in progress.

Depression? Anxiety?
My advice is to get laid.

Otherwise, it’s an online dating site  – NOT a shrink’s office.
Need therapy? Start a blog like the rest of us!
If I am not mistaken: YOU WANT people to WANT TO meet you, correct?

Suck it Jung.

On the Myers Briggs I am an ISTJ. I have a mysterious predilection for INFPs. Many of my closest friends, especially male friends, have been INFPs. I often have a very hard time getting along with ENFPs, yet they keep turning up in my life.

How about you text me ASAP, I’ll  RSVP from my PC with an ETA, and then put on some SPF, so we can meet up for some KFC? Is that OK?

Because of where I am in my life, I am not necessarily disposed for starting a serious romantic relationship. Let’s be friends first and see where things go. One step at a time.

P.S. This sums it up on so many levels…

I am sure it does: Especially if you are a “work in progress” and perhaps an asshole. Incidentally, despite the fact Henry Rollins has a decent set of pecs and is an outspoken activist for gay rights, he should be the LAST person you select as a spokesman if you want to get a date with a WOMAN. Even I wouldn’t date Henry Rollins, but then what do I know?…

I am only a single, deflowered, imperfect, and a harmless, neurotic ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, and lazy Sunday mornings drinking coffee and eating cake in bed, among other things.

(This public-service message was brought to you by the Cakes McCain Foundation for Dud-Free Dating )
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About Cakes McCain

Aka. 'Oliver Twist with Furniture and Diamonds' Ex-pat, lunatic, survivor - A Bridget Jones/Shirley Valentine hybrid, epically flawed, neurotic literary ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, & lazy Sunday mornings eating cake in bed. Almost always broken-hearted, forever analysing everything to a bloody pulp and eternally obessing over 'Pasta for One - The Manuscript' a chick-lit memoir about living single in fabulous Italy, while trying not to throw yourself in front of a speeding bus.
This entry was posted in boredom, cake, casual sex, dating, dating rejects, depression, Friends with benefits, friendship, guy's opinion, hook-ups, humour, internet dating, Life in Italy, Living in Italy, losers, love, online dating, perverts, players, relationships, self examination, self help, self loathing, sex, single girl, social misfit, Uncategorized, web dating, x-pat and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to More skewered dating profiles and “THINGS!”

  1. LJ says:

    Wow…just wow. So, I had coffee with a friend recently, and she’s a VERY enthusiastic and very devout woman, but she married an agnostic man. You know why? Well, she told me over coffee, “Damn, I dated all these guys from my church, and I’ve decided this…I haven’t met any Christian guys who have decent boundaries. They either won’t kiss me, or they are jonesin’ for sex on the first date. They’re all secretly addicted to porn and feel horrible about it so they start crying on the second date. Then, they’re stuck on that “women must submit” thing so I’m not allowed to have an opinion on the kissing, sexing, or porning anyway! What’s going on here? I think something’s wrong!” Boundaries, dude! Boundaries!!!!!

    • Cakes McCain says:

      Yeah, I have a few experiences under the belt as well with certain peeps. Mix the religion factor in there… and they’re not sure whether to lay, stay or pray. Some weird outcomes let me tell u.

  2. ameliasattic says:

    “I am only a single, deflowered, imperfect, and a harmless, neurotic ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, and lazy Sunday mornings drinking coffee and eating cake in bed.” Great line! xx

  3. Pingback: Day 11: 10 Blog Posts I Love « The Narcissist's Blog ©

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