It ain’t no party where I’m going.
These days my daily routine consists of packing, packing, more packing and obsessing over packing, while my thoughts hover over focusing on the many reasons I am getting out of here while repeating over and over: “Ok you’ve gotta buck up and deal with the family biz but that aside – in the long run, it’s going to be just as great. Canada is a beautiful place too, you’ve got your peeps, when you finally find your own personal Utopia and get settled you can hook yourself up with a decent boyfriend, on the weekends you can have great sex, see bands together, vintage shop, and top it all off with an epic Sunday brunch spread.” However, this seems an eternity away considering the ‘business at hand’ and seeing I have little idea where I am going to ultimately end up (either one of the far east or west Canadian coasts is the only detail I can muster up as this point)…
Welcome to ‘Limbo: Life in Boxes.’
Most recently I bit the bullet and bought my airline ticket. November 13 is the day I’ll fly to Toronto with the dogs, stay for 9 days then it’s off to the family homestead… I shudder to utter the words of my temporary location (Thunder Bay).
I often carry this same expression and attitude when I am forced to visit…
Despite the beauty of the surrounding nature there, it is a dismal, cultural wasteland full of 1/2 ton pick-ups and the trucker-capped beer bellied dullards that drive them. Gone will be the days of sexy Italian men, their bullshit, douchebaggery, semi-flacid penises, bad sexual repertoires and crappy blue Fiats – Only to be replaced by MacDaddy wanna-bees and self-proclaimed masters of the ‘wham-bam-thank-you-maam’ that do not desire a serious relationship as their delusions dictate they are just too hot a commodity for the single ladies, and thus opt for chronic singledom in order to spread the love and do the world this great justice.
Surrender the fantasy.
The following is a real, (uncorrected) ad from a popular dating site of a member living in the the T-Bay zone (it was not accompanied by a photo):
“my hobbies are ski-dooing wet-bikeing 4x4ing in my pickup and cruiseing in my trans-am. i like to do prity much enything? in or out doors. love spending time with my 2 kids when there not driveing my crazy! i prefer country music but its all good. i gess i havent found a women thats compatebel with me so im trying this out hopeing to find the one for me so if you are interested you no what to do. Open to enything.”
May I suggest spell check, or perhaps a remedial English grammar course?
The actual number of members in the zone that have selected the following criteria: “wants to date but nothing serious” is indeed staggering as even the mere thought of casual sex with any of these ‘ready & willing’ makes for intense reflex heebie-jeebies and the uncontrollable desire to run away screaming.
Despite the irony of his online profile declaration, another member who refers to himself as “God’s gift to women” along with with caveman-like tendencies, declares he is unlike the stereotypical demographic. (However he does own a crotch-rocket motorcycle and a cat.)
“Doesn’t mean I’m your typical Thunder Bay redneck male. I don’t hunt. I have no particular passion for fishing, but have been known to go. I don’t own a truck.”
Other members in the zone are currently dazzling the ladies with the following profile headers:
“Fishing for cougars and milfs”
“Ladies.. Who needs an escape from reality”
“Looking for someone to impale”
“I will not settle for anybody!”
“Hockey Sux I Love Women”
Or there’s the member who’s header reads “Carpe Diem”…
“I enjoy playing and watching hockey, camping, fishing, snowmobiling.”
Shucks! I can’t think of anything I’d rather do more, or that embodies that phrase more completely.
(Welcome to the new zone of Cakes McCain.)