A life in limbo and a brand new Purgatory!

It ain’t no party where I’m going.

My life in limbo.
(I should be so lucky)

These days my daily routine consists of packing, packing, more packing and obsessing over packing, while my thoughts hover over focusing on the many reasons I am getting out of here while repeating over and over: “Ok you’ve gotta buck up and deal with the family biz but that aside – in the long run,  it’s going to be just as great. Canada is a beautiful place too, you’ve got your peeps, when you finally find your own personal Utopia and get settled you can hook yourself up with a decent boyfriend, on the weekends you can have great sex, see bands together, vintage shop, and top it all off with an epic Sunday brunch spread.” However, this seems an eternity away considering the ‘business at hand’ and seeing I have little idea where I am going to ultimately end up (either one of the far east or west Canadian coasts is the only detail I can muster up as this point)…

Welcome to ‘Limbo: Life in Boxes.’

Most recently I bit the bullet and bought my airline ticket. November 13 is the day I’ll fly to Toronto with the dogs, stay for 9 days then it’s off to the family homestead… I shudder to utter the words of my temporary location (Thunder Bay).

I often carry this same expression and attitude when I am forced to visit…

Despite the beauty of the surrounding nature there, it is a dismal, cultural wasteland full of 1/2 ton pick-ups and the trucker-capped beer bellied dullards that drive them. Gone will be the days of sexy Italian men, their bullshit, douchebaggery, semi-flacid penises, bad sexual repertoires and crappy blue Fiats – Only to be replaced by MacDaddy wanna-bees and self-proclaimed masters of the ‘wham-bam-thank-you-maam’ that do not desire a serious relationship as their delusions dictate they are just too hot a commodity for the single ladies, and thus opt for chronic singledom in order to spread the love and do the world this great justice.

Surrender the fantasy.

The following is a real, (uncorrected) ad from a popular dating site of a member living in the the T-Bay zone (it was not accompanied by a photo):

“my hobbies are ski-dooing wet-bikeing 4x4ing in my pickup and cruiseing in my trans-am. i like to do prity much enything? in or out doors. love spending time with my 2 kids when there not driveing my crazy! i prefer country music but its all good. i gess i havent found a women thats compatebel with me so im trying this out hopeing to find the one for me so if you are interested you no what to do. Open to enything.”

May I suggest spell check, or perhaps a remedial English  grammar course?

The actual number of members in the zone that have selected the following criteria: “wants to date but nothing serious” is indeed staggering as even the mere thought of casual sex with any of these ‘ready & willing’ makes for intense reflex heebie-jeebies and the uncontrollable desire to run away screaming.

Despite the irony of his online profile declaration, another member who refers to himself as “God’s gift to women” along with with caveman-like tendencies, declares he is unlike the stereotypical demographic. (However he does own a crotch-rocket motorcycle and a cat.)

“Doesn’t mean I’m your typical Thunder Bay redneck male. I don’t hunt. I have no particular passion for fishing, but have been known to go. I don’t own a truck.”

Other members in the zone are currently dazzling the ladies with the following profile headers:

“Fishing for cougars and milfs”
“Ladies.. Who needs an escape from reality”
“Looking for someone to impale”
“I will not settle for anybody!”
“Hockey Sux I Love Women”

Or there’s the member who’s header reads “Carpe Diem”…

“I enjoy playing and watching hockey, camping, fishing, snowmobiling.”

How original.
Shucks! I can’t think of anything I’d rather do more, or that embodies that phrase more completely.

Can you?

(Welcome to the new zone of Cakes McCain.)


About Cakes McCain

Aka. 'Oliver Twist with Furniture and Diamonds' Ex-pat, lunatic, survivor - A Bridget Jones/Shirley Valentine hybrid, epically flawed, neurotic literary ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, & lazy Sunday mornings eating cake in bed. Almost always broken-hearted, forever analysing everything to a bloody pulp and eternally obessing over 'Pasta for One - The Manuscript' a chick-lit memoir about living single in fabulous Italy, while trying not to throw yourself in front of a speeding bus.
This entry was posted in boredom, casual sex, cheaters, dating, dating rejects, depression, European men, Friends with benefits, guilt, hook-ups, humour, internet dating, Italian life, Italian men, Italy, Italy living, Life in Italy, Living in Italy, losers, love, MacDaddy, one night stand, online dating, perverts, players, positive thinking, relationships, self examination, self help, self loathing, sex, single girl, trust, Uncategorized, web dating, x-pat, x-pats and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to A life in limbo and a brand new Purgatory!

  1. Best of luck with the move Cakes! Wherever you go – they will be better off for having YOU there! 🙂

  2. LJ says:

    “Looking for someone to impale…” I choked on a Skittle…..Seriously?! I’m waiting for the new ‘Carpe Diem’ to show up here. BTW, it’s YOLO, and I hate it. (You Only Live Once) Dudes shout it out before they do something uber-stupid like this…(and I meant it…I’m 6 hours away should you need sanctuary. CALL ME!!!!)

  3. SillyG says:

    Happy packing. Make sure you spend time this next month enjoying favourite places!

  4. Packing is the worst. No matter how much you pack before the last few days there is always that mad rush near the end of all the stuff you didn’t think about! I hope you have a couple of great weeks in Italy, and good luck to your next chapter of adventures… just avoid the hillbillies I hear they drive blue monster trucks in North America 😉

  5. The Hook says:

    You’re coming to TO? You’ll be an hour-and-a-half from your old buddy, The Hook!

    • Cakes McCain says:

      Ah yes the falls! It’s been a while! I need to come over and see those butterflies one day, Monarch’s are my good luck charm, and I sure as hell need some these days!

  6. All those hill billy profile excerpts would have been funny if they weren’t so damn true! (Instead it’s just sad). Welcome to my world, sister!

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