The way the cake crumbles…

I knew this day would come…

Dislaimer/note to self: This may very well be one of your infamous ‘That Time of the Month’ rants. Permission is granted to forgive yourself later just in case, sans embarassment and mortification. If not the case…  You’re really, supremely f’cked.

Fact: I’m becoming unglued.

What have I done? Maybe I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I gave away most of what I own. Maybe would I have been better off in my Oliver Twist broke-ass bohemian life, chronically-single scouring for change in every coat pocket, in the humid mediterranean winter standing in my apartment infront of a portable gas heater all season like a rotisserie chicken, having barely any work, screaming to everone that would listen of the reality of infantile Italian-douchebags with Madonna-whore complexes driving crappy blue Fiats, and complaining of just about everything else… As opposed to living in limbo, under my own quasi-voluntary exile in this slate-grey, freezing f’ing cold winter-wonderland shithole, while watching my face slowly dry up like a raisin.

 I can’t win.
This photo is depressing…

Well-fed, moisturized and Mediterranean sun-kissed.

I pretend to most like everything is fine, that I’m ok. I’m not really ok. I don’t fit in here with this rural numb-skulled red-neck population. The last straw being a comment made from someone whom I had thought had a few braincells to rub together, and  who mentioned they’d want to take up hunting. SHE said: “It might be fun.” Yee-haw, loading a firearm and killing a defenseless animal sounds like a real hootenany. Don’t these people have any conscience?

Last night, to divert my utter misery, I ventured alone to see the new Bond flick. As I sat alone in the theatre, it took every iota of self-control not to start sobbing in my seat. Then later the same during the proverbial ‘longest ride home in history’ along an endless snowy highway (a scene reminicent of The Shining), and wishing I could throw my self from this moving vehicle. (OK maybe not exactly THAT).

I hate this place.

Sprinkle that with the guilt over a family member with stage 4 cancer, and here I am feeling sorry for myself, as I can’t see past today, and today is just as much a waste of time as yesterday, and quality time is but an oxy moron.

There is no place like home?

Where the f’ck is home?

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About Cakes McCain

Aka. 'Oliver Twist with Furniture and Diamonds' Ex-pat, lunatic, survivor - A Bridget Jones/Shirley Valentine hybrid, epically flawed, neurotic literary ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, & lazy Sunday mornings eating cake in bed. Almost always broken-hearted, forever analysing everything to a bloody pulp and eternally obessing over 'Pasta for One - The Manuscript' a chick-lit memoir about living single in fabulous Italy, while trying not to throw yourself in front of a speeding bus.
This entry was posted in boredom, depression, grieving, guilt, humour, self examination, self help, single girl, social misfit, Uncategorized, x-pat, x-pats and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to The way the cake crumbles…

  1. A Dog With Fleas says:

    Sorry things have been so rough for you. I’m sure the transition must be so hard. Hoping things get better for you……

  2. MJ says:

    I’m sorry. I really am. You are not alone. Change is hard. I know…It won’t always be like this.

    • Cakes McCain says:

      Thanks. I get down at times but then can thankfully snap myself out of it… There are people out there living their lives, having adventures, being free. I have to be patient, as I’ll be one of them soon. The world is calling…

  3. SillyG says:

    gonna be tough cakes.and coming back in winter doesn’t help either. take care of youself.

  4. abbynflicker says:

    Ah there be days like this… I really feel for you, still working at the Italy thing. All I could think of doing was changing scenery, and I’m so glad I did! Be happy and ehhh…. fuck em

  5. Cake, for your own sanity you need to move back to the city. But I know that won’t be possible with everything going on at home. And not that things are any better in the city, but at the very least, no one here is going around shooting the wildlife.

    Just keep going. I will say a little prayer for you.

  6. Veggiewitch says:

    *squishy hugs* I empathize with you, my friend. ♥

  7. storyofalice says:

    Keep searching, Cakes, and in the meantime, lots of hugs! xoxo

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