The Bum-Fondling Chair, Gweneth Paltrow & ‘THE MOVE-IN MERGER’

Flashback: November 2014

‘Roots’ is a scary word. I don’t mean that in a 1977 miniseries’ depiction of African slavery kind-of-way starring the chap from Star Trek The Next Generation.

In this instance I haven’t found Kunta Kinte, but I did find a nice Englishman. Although I do have far less enthusiasm than James Earl Jones, and there’s no over-the-top 70’s music score playing in the background.


Stop right there.


I have only come here seeking knowledge, things they would not teach me of in college.

I’ve just bought a house 3 blocks from my rental and I’m moving in with Sir English. If Gweneth Paltrow were here she’d be inventing words for me like ‘move-in mergers’ and I’d have to tell her to please stop and “Go fix me some macrobiotic soba noodle salad, and while you’re at it grab the bottle of Grey Goose Vodka from the cupboard because we be goin’ on a bender.” Buying a house is a huge deal in which a certain sense of mature responsibility is required. As is living with someone you’re in a relationship with. It’s a compromise, and in my case it’s refraining from any personal grossness in the company of anyone other than my canine companions, not conjuring homicidal mania if there is a drop of pee (that isn’t mine) on the rim of the toilet bowl, and holding my tongue over the 500 tea-lights Sir English has seemed to have acquired – that will never get lit in either of our lifetimes. Unless of course we invite Sting and his mates over for a house warming and a music video shoot.

However I must admit my  sense of logic and spirit of compromise did almost waiver momentarily. The conversation/confession in question took place at ‘The Lad Cave’ aka. Sir English’s former abode. A place where stains on various surfaces have taken an oath of secrecy and mystery particles trapped in the cracks of the wood flooring could keep CSI Analysis Officers in overtime for decades. I glared in disbelief at the peeling paint and crumbling plaster barely concealed behind a wooden chest, then turned to face him standing in the bedroom doorway…

Me: I’m sorry.

Sir English: It’s ok, I’ll just move this stuff out of the way so you can vacuum this spot.

Me: No that’s not it… I am sorry for what I am thinking.

Sir English: What?

Me: If I was something like a supernatural entity with supreme control over the universe and real ‘superpowers’ , I’d tell you you’ve got 30 minutes to box all your most worldly posessions worth saving, then I’d throw something down from the heavens like a lightning bolt and burn this place to the ground.

Sir English: Oh.

Me: Sorry.

However despite everything, I was still counting my blessings as he gave me free reign to decorate our new home as I wished, while renting his flat to a friend for the time being, thus not moving all of his things. Notably he wouldn’t be taking along his pine particleboard furnishings or this literal monstrocity I fondly refer to as ‘The Molesting Hand-Chair’…

I feel dirty already.

Ick. I feel dirty already.

Thus saving me a rotator cuff injury from hauling it to a vacant lot and a few pounds on the purchase of  a can of gasoline…

And a gal’s really gotta appreciate that kind of consideration.


About Cakes McCain

Aka. 'Oliver Twist with Furniture and Diamonds' Ex-pat, lunatic, survivor - A Bridget Jones/Shirley Valentine hybrid, epically flawed, neurotic literary ‘dirty apple’ with a penchant for broad shoulders, epic orgasms, & lazy Sunday mornings eating cake in bed. Almost always broken-hearted, forever analysing everything to a bloody pulp and eternally obessing over 'Pasta for One - The Manuscript' a chick-lit memoir about living single in fabulous Italy, while trying not to throw yourself in front of a speeding bus.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The Bum-Fondling Chair, Gweneth Paltrow & ‘THE MOVE-IN MERGER’

  1. OMG Cakes!
    I haven’t been posting regularly and I am so happy to see you are posting again and that everything is going so well!!!!!!!!!
    And that chair was hideous for a person to own
    it reminds me of Arrested Development

  2. Lady Phoenix says:

    Are you still writing bella? I’m back on the blog, sporadically. I’d love to read more of your stuff!

    • Cakes McCain says:

      I read your last post, and wondered if you were back on the continent. Please don’t tell me you’re back in the old hood. 😉

      I haven’t written in eons. I’m so dreadfully dull and I find little amusement in the 8-10 hour/days I spend slaving away, bound to an ergonomic office chair. Perhaps I should attempt to excavate some humour from it. :p

      • Lady Phoenix says:

        LOL – the fact that your sitting in an ergonomic office chair does already have a nice ‘intro ring’ to it! I say YES – humor the shit out of it and write us one!
        And yes, we did go back in January, long story I’ll message you, but as you can well imagine I’m already feeling enslaved and screaming to get out! XO

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s